Mature men are not indifferent.

It is said that observing who pays the bill in a restaurant can reveal the nature of a couple’s relationship.

If the man pays, they are lovers. If the woman pays, they are married. I conducted a small survey, and this rule proves accurate about 80% of the time.

This is just one example of how things change when two people step into marriage. Strangely enough, marriage – a significant and mature milestone in life – alters not only behaviors but also the very nature of individuals.

When they were dating, he always picked her up. Not only that, but he would also drop her off at her door, no matter how late. After getting married, she juggles taking their children across the city, visiting her parents on weekends, and commuting on her own every day – even though he is the more skilled driver and their workplaces are on the same route.

When they were dating, she paid attention to her appearance. Not overly glamorous, but always neat, tidy, and feminine. She once told him, “My mom always says, women should never be careless with their looks.” After marriage, she doubles down on her makeup and outfits for the office, but at home, and even when stepping out with him, she barely makes an effort. Once, during breakfast at their regular café, he sighed as she showed up in her pajamas. She retorted, “I’m with my husband, not anyone else, so why bother?”

When they were dating, he never came to her house empty-handed. A candy bar or a snack for her little brother, a scarf or hat for her parents. She, when visiting his family, would wash the dishes or pluck his mother’s gray hairs. After marriage, months would go by as she urged him to visit her parents, but he would claim to be busy while spending hours laughing and chatting at a beer shop. Meanwhile, his mother, who struggles with arthritis, would receive no help from her in hanging out the bed linens to dry.

When they were dating, they clung to each other for hours, lamenting how quickly time flew by. Even after saying goodbye, they would text until dawn. After marriage, time seems endless, yet there are days or weeks where they don’t even exchange a word – not even a greeting.

The examples above are a few common observations from the marriages I know. A friend of mine, a witty journalist, once called me out for drinks. He drank quietly, finishing half a bottle before sighing, “I’m probably going to divorce my wife.”

“But isn’t she amazing? You’ve always said you’re lucky to have such a perfect wife.”

“That’s the problem. She’s not perfect. But I’ve always wanted people to respect and admire her because I spend so little time with my family. She carries a lot of burdens. That’s true. But lately, she’s become resentful of the ‘perfect wife and mother’ label society has given her. Family life has become a nightmare. She doesn’t take care of me anymore and has grown indifferent to the kids. She wants freedom, a dynamic life she feels she deserves.”

He sighed deeply.
“She’s seeing someone else.”

Having an affair has become so normalized in modern society that it’s almost mundane. Those who don’t have one are often seen as exceptional enough to deserve public recognition. Surprisingly, many don’t cheat for novelty but to rediscover the person they once loved. They go back to courting, picking each other up, being gentle and shy, gallant and caring. Love, once people understand how to love properly, may not be as passionate as in the beginning, but it is more effective and harder to let go. And so, divorce papers are finalized.

My friend and his wife eventually divorced. The process was surprisingly swift. As they left the courthouse, they were both stunned, unable to believe their marriage of over a decade had just ended. They went to a nearby café, where she broke down in tears. He cried too. They sat there all afternoon, unable to speak, just crying. Then, unable to hold back, he took her hand. She instinctively flinched, but he held on tightly, and she didn’t pull away.

In that moment, he realized their marriage could have been different if only he had done this sooner. If one person faltered, the other could still reach out. And when one person reached out, the other might soften. No one spends half their life seeking new hands to hold. Deep down, everyone just wants to feel secure in the hand they trust.

A hand that knows how to hold onto theirs.

ONTR
Excerpt from “Mature Men Are Not Heartless”
Author: Cu Trí

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